Okay, girls, go get them!
We're gonna start the bidding.
I'm not gonna accept anything less than $100.
The bidding has gotta start. Now give me 100.
- You gotta do it for us, Ox. - I can't.
- You said you used to wrestle. - I used to lose a lot.
Yeah, but these are girls. They're weak and soft.
- I need 150! - One-sixty!
One-seventy-five now! One-seventy-five here! One-eighty!
- It doesn't seem fair. - Fair?
Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair!
Is it fair that you were born like this? No!
They're not expecting somebody like you. They're expecting some clown.
You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer!
You're a trained killer!
You're a lean, mean, fighting machine!
I'll do it!
- All right. Give me your money. - Four hundred and thirteen bucks!
My man. My big man here is gonna do it all for us...
...for $413...
- And 58 cents. ...and 58 cents!
Four hundred thirteen dollars and 58 cents!
I'll take that right now!
Ladies and gentlemen, the big event you've been waiting for.
A three-round match, five-minute time limit, one pin only.
And during this match there will be absolutely no biting.
Cut that out! Cut that out!
And no pulling of the nose.
Hey, do something about this, ref! What kind of place you running here?
And no kicking, ladies and gentlemen.
All right, go to your neutral corners, and we will begin the match!
Hey, wait a minute! Wait! Hey!
Hey, just a second here!
Oh, jeez! Now you done it.
Beat the shit out of them, Ox!
- You hit me! I'm a girl! - I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you!
That's my man out there! My champ! Now stop it!
Behind you! She's not even in the fight.
Cut that out. Cut that out.
You get in here. Come on.
I'm a gentleman. Now stop it.
All right.
Okay, all right.
- Thanks. - No problem.
- Thanks again. - Okay, all right.
- You're very competitive. - I don't wanna go back.
You gotta go back. You're already dirty. Come on.
All right, there you go.
They got him down and they got him pinned!
Bravo Company!
Go, man!
Way to go, Ox! Kill them!
- Should we? - Yeah. Let's go.
We'll take care of these two.
It's okay. Special assignment.
Yeah, we're with them.
Louise, it's so nice to see you. What are you doing here?
Well, explain yourselves.
Well, sir, we were...
We were going to the Bingo parlour...
...at the YMCA.
Well, one thing led to another...
...and the instructions got all fouled up there.
- We ended up... - Shut up.
Okay, sir.
You men are a disgrace.
Maybe a few days in the stockade...
...would help change your rotten attitude.
But we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
That's even better.
Tomorrow you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke.
And when he sees what total fuck-ups you really are...
...I will personally recommend...
...that your whole platoon...
...repeat the entire course of basic training.
Well, get out.
All right, now this is the second time we've let you guys off.
So let's not let it happen a third time. Is that clear?
- Very clear. - Get back to your barracks, all right?
- Good night. - Good night.
So, what are you guys gonna do?
We're gonna check out General Barnicke's house. He's in Washington.
Barnicke?
Barnicke?!
He still owes me money. Hey, Barney!
Get him!
Mom! I'm home!
John!
- No, no. - Now, don't worry about a thing, okay?
Oh, this is nice, really.
Listen, if this is gonna get you in trouble, we'll leave. All right?
No, it's okay. General Barnicke's gone until tomorrow morning.
Good.
Thank you.
I feel like I'm 16 years old in my parents' house...
...and they're away on a trip.
Sixteen? Wanna play Spin the Bottle?
This guy's doing pretty well. Interested?
All right, you've looked at the general's refrigerator long enough.
- Let's go. Come on. - Let's look at the general's cupboards.
John!
You know, you're very pretty...
...for a cop. - Oh, thanks a lot.
No, thank you. You know what your problem is, baby?
- No, I don't. - Your problem is that you're armed.
You're heavily armed.
Guys have trouble with girls that are armed.
They don't know how to come on. Do you know the rest of your problem?
Tell me.
You've never had anyone give you the Aunt Jemima treatment.
- No, I certainly haven't had that. - First you get up on the grill.
- I'll get you up to cruising speed. - Stop it!
You're sticking on the bottom, dear. Keep hopping. Keep hopping, honey!
There you go. A little bit lumpy. You're a little bit lumpy.
A little bit lumpy.
- I'm not enjoying this! Now quit it! - You're not, huh?
Maybe you need this.
- What are you gonna do with that? - This. And this.
Who's your friend? Who's your buddy?
I am, aren't I?
- You're crazy about me, aren't you? - No.
You're head over heels in love with me.
You're hopelessly, deeply in love with me, aren't you?
Yes.
I knew it. I had that feeling.
Even before I picked this up.
It's about time you came around.
So, what do we do now?
Let's go upstairs and check out the general's closets.
Nice to know you can move like that when you have to.
Well, it's nice to know you can make me so hot.
You say the nicest things.
Hold on, honey. I got a special tool for you.
Come here.
I can't believe we're playing this.
- Okay, down on your knees. - Sounds good.
All right, now the way that you play it is...
...you pretend there's a force field all around your body...
...and you try and get as close to each other as possible...
...without actually touching.
- Okay? - It sounds easy.
It ought to be.
I think I'm good at this.
Maybe.
How do you win?
Well, if somebody breaks your force field, then you win.
- You just broke my force field. - Yeah, you win.
Well, that was interesting.
It's all over with now. We might as well not even show up to graduation.
You white guys'll probably get five years.
- But we gonna get hung. - Yeah, man.
Guys! Hey!
What's everybody so down about?
Didn't everybody make it with a beautiful MP tonight, huh?
Oh, Stillman freaked out when the MPs brought us back.
If we screw up graduation, we'll have to take basics all over again.
Oh, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun the first time, hasn't it?
I can't handle basic training again, man.
You're number one on the death list now, Winger.
Take it easy, Francis... Psycho.
Will you guys just relax? We got plenty of time. What time is it now?
- Two a.m. - Okay, 0200.
- What time we get up? - Five a.m.
0500. All right, we have three hours. Didn't you ever cram for a test before?
I learned two semesters of geology in three hours.
We can do this. We just have to practice.
We've been practicing all night, and we stink.
- Yeah, well, the brains have arrived. - Yeah, that's good news.
We go down to the motor pool.
We work on it all night. We get it together.
- We can do this, right? - There's no way in hell we can do it.
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward, arms!
Inspection, arms!
Right shoulder, arms!
Right face!
Your left, your left, your left.
Come on, rhythm. Hut, two, three, four.
Black guys, help the white guys, okay?
- What did he say? - He said the black guys...
...help the white guys.
Come on, guys!
Wait a minute!
Cut it out! Stop!
Hey, stupid, look at yourself!
Cut it out! Cut it out!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Stupid!
We're all very different people.
We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans.
We're Americans. With a capital A, huh?
You know what that means?
Do you? That means that our forefathers...
...were kicked out of every decent country in the world.
We are the wretched refuse.
We're the underdog. We're mutts.
- Here's proof. His nose is cold. - So is his brain.
But there's no animal that's more faithful...
...that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt.
Who saw Old Yeller?
Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?
Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure.
I cried my eyes out.
Yeah.
So we're all dogfaces. We're all very, very different.
But there is one thing that we all have in common.
We were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army.
We're mutants.
There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us.
Something seriously wrong with us.
We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers.
We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1!
Now we don't have to worry...
...about whether or not we've practiced.
We don't have to worry...
...about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung.
All we have to do...
...is to be the great American fighting soldier...
...that is inside each one of us.
Now, do what I do...
...and say what I say...
...and make me proud.
- Fall in! - Yeah!
Platoon...
...ten-hut!
Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Maybe they couldn't find the parade grounds.
- It's right in front of the barracks. - That's what I mean.
Eyes right!
We checked the barracks, sir. They're not there.
If they're not here in five minutes, I want them arrested.
Hey, graduation's at 2:00. What time is it now?
Three o'clock. We've still got an hour to sleep.
Oh, good.
Three o'clock! We're missing it!
John! John! We're missing graduation.
- We're missing it. - Let's go.
Wake up, man! We're missing it.
Where is it?
All right, let's do a little singing this morning.
Oh, my God!
Platoon...
...a- one, two:
Where the hell have you been, soldier?
- Training, sir! - Training, sir!
What kind of training, son?
Army training, sir!
Platoon, just like last night, only better!
And right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Side step right!
Left flank, left!
Queen Anne salute!
Three, five, seven!
Razzle-dazzle!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, sir!
- Where's your drill sergeant, men? - Blown up, sir!
Blown up, sir!
Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training.
I see.
So am I to understand that you men completed your training on your own?
- That's the fact, Jack! - That's the fact, Jack!
- Captain. - Yes, sir?
These are exactly the kind of go-getters...
...I want working on my EM-50 project in Italy.
- Oh, but, sir, these men... - Don't "but" me, captain.
I want them on the plane tonight.
Gentlemen, it's party time, Italian style!
Not bad! It's great.
Best bunk? Best bunk is...
Best bunk, right here.
- Okay, who's up for the Vatican? - No, I can't.
Let's get some people and some relics, and we'll do it.
What are you doing? No, get off. See, you gotta make my bunk.
See, we're in Italy. The guy on the top bunk...
...has gotta make the guy on the bottom's bed all the time
It's in the regulations. If we were in Germany...
...I would have to make yours.
But we're in Italy, so you've gotta make mine. It's regulations.
Who's gonna make the beds?
Buona sera, gentlemen.
It is alive.
Welcome to Italy.
We can forget all about the tearful reunion.
There's a couple things I want to get straight with you right off the bat.
I don't know what kind of shit you pulled at graduation...
...but this ain't no glamour detail we're on.
I want to see you walking tall...
...looking good and mentally alert at all times.
I'm gonna bust your butts...
...to make this the best damned outfit in the European command.
Get these bunks made up! Get your gear stored!
We're gonna muster in front of the motor pool at 0600! Got it?
Hi, sarge.
"Hi, sarge." Just shut up.
0600!
As you may know, General Barnicke...
...is particularly interested in this project.
He has selected this platoon for this assignment...
...and he expects you to perform particularly well.
Raise it, sergeant.
Gentlemen, this is the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle.
A real beauty, colonel. You can count on us.
Fall in!
I need two volunteers.
You and you.
You'll guard this vehicle until 0800 on Monday morning...
...and the rest of you got the weekend off. Dismissed!
- Sarge, why me? - Oh, I don't know, son.
I ain't got no military reason for it, I just don't like you.
Have a nice weekend.
Oh, yeah. I want that so clean I could eat off the floor.
This is amazing. You wouldn't believe what this thing could do.
John.
- Do you think I'm officer material? - God, I'm worried about you.
Come on. I'm in good shape. I'm walking tall.
I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.
Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar watching a truck.
We got each other.
Well, I was kind of thinking we'd get a couple companions this weekend.
Too bad the girls are in Germany.
We could get...
...a hotel room somewhere. - Yeah.
Spend a few days eating room service.
Would've been good.
We could take them up in the Alps for a little spin.
- No. - Oh, yeah.
- No, no, no. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, no. No, John, no.
- I'll drive. - Okay.
We're here.
Don't forget, you promised me a real expensive dinner...
...before we see this whatever it is.
Right.
Come with me, my dear.
Now, don't forget, this is a big secret, so you can't tell anybody, okay?
- Not unless they torture me. - Come on.
- Official business. - May I see your identification, sir?
Thank you, captain.
Yeah. Just follow me.
When the Army entrusts an important project like this to an officer...
...it usually means they're priming him for a major promotion.
- I really think you're gonna like this. - Yeah?
- Are you gonna get sick or something? - Where the fuck's my truck? Where...?
Where's my truck? Hey!
Hey, where's the EM-50?
A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed, sir.
Took it to get it washed?!
Is there a bathroom around here? I gotta pee.
- Hold it! - They had proper ID, sir.
Do you want me to notify post security, sir?
You keep your mouth shut about this. Do you understand me?
And you let no one in there. No one! Not even the colonel!
Yes, sir.
You know, I think this guy Stillman is really dangerous.
Yeah, I'm becoming aware of that, you know.
Okay, let's go. Let's load that truck.
Sergeant.
We've traced the EM-50 to Germany.
They're probably heading right for East Berlin.
Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the 42nd...
...that could link up with Air Recon.
We'd have that EM-50 back here inside of 24 hours.
Nothing doing. We'd be the laughingstock...
...of the entire armed forces. We will do this ourselves.
Sir, those numb-nuts can't even tie their own shoelaces.
I don't care, sergeant. Just load the truck, and let's move out.
All right, we're moving out! Move!
I guess we're going after John and Russell.
I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?
All I know is, I finally get to kill somebody.
Hey, Russell.
Have you been doing your special exercises?
- I brought the magic suitcase. - You did?
Does this do anything for you? French girls do it all the time.
No. I've seen that.
I've seen that on cable TV, and it did nothing for me.
Hey, watch it. A guy could get hurt.
- My gosh, my gosh. - Come on, John.
- Come on. - I'll do it!
But just one more time.
Off the low meter board.
From the United States Military Academy, John Winger.
He's gonna do a reverse mo-fo.
A somersault up to the knees, to a butt banister...
...a backflip...
...all they way back to a double backflip.
A face bounce! A double face bounce!
A triple head! Oh, no! Oh, he's hurt!
That does sound nice.
You know, my father was here during the war.
- In this bathtub? - Your ears need cleaning.
Easy. Louise, what do you think of me?
When we first met, I thought you were kind of screwed up.
And now?
I still think you're kind of screwed up, Russell...
...but you're so cute.
- A face bounce... - John.
...a dismount...
...and a remount.
John!
How's this? How's this?
- How's this for you? - Perfect.
- Is this good? Is this good? - It's great. Oh, it's perfect.
- What about this? How about this? - That's better. Oh, so much better.
Oh, I like that.
That's different.
Oh, where did you learn that? Oh, where did you learn that?
Oh, not yet. Please, not yet! Oh, please!
I can't stop! Please!
Oh, I wanted it... Oh, I'm sorry!
- I can't see a thing up ahead, sir. - The turnoff is just up to the right.
No, sir. If we turn right, we're gonna...
Sergeant, when I want your input, I will ask for it. Thank you.
For chrissakes, captain. We broke through the...
This is my mission. I would appreciate if you let me run it. Thank you.
Fuck this.
- Where you going, sarge? - Hey, sarge, where are you going?
Sarge, what are you doing? Sarge, what are you doing?!
Here you go. There you go. Hand them off there, boys.
Stupid jerks.
Gunther, get yourself a new Volkswagen, huh?
Folks, don't order the schnitzel. They're using schnauzer.
Hey, Hansel, Gretel! Hey, we're your allies.
It's cool. All right.
All right, Klaus, hold it up right here.
We got some naked animals in here we don't want you to see.
Here you are.
- More worthless money for you. - Come on.
- All right. - Hey, did you leave the radio on?
- What? - That's the shortwave radio.
This is the EM-50?
Mayday, mayday.
Mayday. Code 21, Status 7. Mayday. Code 21, Status 7.
Code 21. Go ahead.
I'm with the U.S. Army, 41 st Armoured Division, Bravo Company.
I have a platoon and CO being held by hostile enemy...
...at coordinates 416-397.
They're Russian troops, about 200.
Send help. I gotta get moving.
416-397. That's Czechoslovakia.
- Forty-first Armoured? - Yeah, Bravo Company.
- That's our unit. - Oh, no.
- They came looking for us. - Oh, they've had it.
We've had it.
If it's a Status 7 like you said, they went in undercover.
So the DOD won't even acknowledge it.
Those guys are dead.
- We gotta go get them. - Yeah.
- No. - We're responsible.
- Russell. - Come on, it's Czechoslovakia.
We zip in, we pick them up and we zip right out again.
We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia.
It's like going into Wisconsin.
I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it.
- Russell, what are you afraid of? - I'm not afraid.
There are two things I promised myself I'd never do:
Kill and die.
What if the Russians were raping your sister?
Come on, you know my sister. You practically raped her one night.
The Russians would just have to buy her dinner.
Russell, that is our platoon out there. That's Ox and Elmo and Cruiser.
I love those guys. We're their only chance.
Two things, John: First of all, they hate your guts.
Those bastards.
Second, when I finish all my training, I'm probably gonna be a typist.
Now, when you invade a hostile foreign nation...
...you don't send your typists in the first wave.
They got guys who like to do that, John. Let's give them a call, okay?
Okay.
Yeah, we won't go in.
- Okay. - Okay, let's go.
Oh, my hero.
Damn it, though, we're so close. I'd love to just go take a look.
I mean, the Iron Curtain, it's gotta look great. I'd love to have a picture of it.
Think we could do that?
Take about an hour. We could drive over, get pictures and come back.
- We'll just look? - Yeah.
- Okay. Let's look. - Yeah, that's a much better plan.
We're so damn lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
We're trying to get over there, do some skiing.
- Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls. - Excuse me.
- What a darling border guard. - Is there a bathroom here?
Bathroom, girls. Bathroom.
There must be a bathroom here somewhere.
Bathroom. Bathroom.
Hi. I'm John Winger of the United States Army...
...and you are my prisoner. - Why are you doing this?
Chicago.
Why do we want prisoners? What do we want with prisoners?
Come on, move!
Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you, huh?
- I have a plan. - Great. Custer had a plan too.
We are in serious trouble.
He said he had a plan. Now, just give him a chance.
Hello, hello!
What an idiot. Get in here.
- All right, we're in. - Nice work, John.
- What's the plan? - I'm working on it.
Oh, my God, what an idiot. He's working on it.
The absence of a plan is ridiculous.
Hey, they're about to start shooting at us.
- Good. That's fine. Let them. - It's working.
- Louise, get this thing moving. - You're dangerous, you know that?
Oh, this is interesting.
I got it figured this way: They got one big gun, a couple of tanks.
They got a hundred Baryshnikovs running around.
- And what do we got? - What do we got?
We got one heavily armed recreational vehicle here, man.
Okay, find that truck, and we find them.
- There's a gun in that tower, Russell. - I see him.
All right, steady, steady.
- Got him! - All right! Oh, God!
Good one, Russell.
- There's the truck. - Must be them. Get ready!
Out, please!
John, over here!
- That was stupid. - Yeah.
- You know who would love this? - Who?
Russell. He should be here.
- Russell! - Russell!
Help!
- Thank you. - That helped.
They'd better be in there.
You can beat me as much as you want!
- Are you okay? - Where are they?
- Hi. - Where are the others?
Hello?
Hello!
Hello?
- Hello? - Hello.
- Who is it? - It's Idi Amin.
- It's Winger! - We're free!
It's us, Winger! Get us out!
All right, stand back from the door. I'm gonna blow it.
Everybody back! Everybody back!
Get it.
Get down.
- Whoa, tough door! - You got it locked on the inside?
It's because of you people that I cannot get outside!
It's always your fault. You are not capable of handling...
To take orders from me, who is...
- Open this door, please! - I'm gonna squash him!
- Winger! Oh, I'm so glad! - What are you doing here?
Look out, Louise! There's a tank behind us! Move it!
Find John, will you? I'm gonna kill him.
We had a car waiting.
Russell?
Let's get out of here!
We're here!
John!
Come on!
You are in trouble! This is government property...
Something's blocking the road. Hang on!
I'm getting too old for this shit!
Gentlemen, we are in Germany!
Platoon, ten-hut!
Queen Anne salute!
Get up!
Thank you. It's great to be back home.
My people, we're number one. All right.
Ox, we got medals. Look. Valortorious Service. Thank you.
What the...? A surprise party!
I'll kill you. Whose idea was this?
All right, everybody's coming to my place. This is ridiculous.
Senator, hang onto that, will you, for me?
Oh, I wrote. I didn't know if you'd come.
No questions, please.
We just want to get back to our hotel rooms...
...and have some really serious sex.
What are you looking at? Keep your eyes out there.
Oh, you old dog.
Right face!
Forward march!
Left, left, Your left, right, left.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group